Friday, March 28, 2008

I've Met that Point in My Life--Want Came to Need

Today we went to the post office.
But we had 123 large envelopes to we get to the post office, unload the 6 boxes, pay for postage, and we are sorted...right?

It stared off promisingly, we took in just one box each, and the clerk waved us up, and said to go get the rest. So I did, as the line grew , and grew. And then...
We were sold stamps...they didn't even have enough, so SURELY that is not the usual policy. So, stamps...the postage was $ we bought 153 $1 stamps, 16 $2 stamps (which tasted really old) 123 ten cent stamps, and 123 three centers. If you are "mathy" you would see that we only had enough for 92. And that was all the stamps they had. I am not even going to mention how much time it took for the woman behind the counter to count, and recount all of the stamps.
And then...

So now we had our sweat..R. had made certain to "load" $400 onto one of the business cards, so we are set, right?

Wrong again. That card "could not be read". So now, we are surely the most popular people in the post office, and to top it off, now I have to go to car AGAIN and get my wallet, to pay with a different, personal card. I don't even use it for myself, and I am paying for some dick's postage??
$205.45 to be exact...

By now a really long line had formed behind us, of course. Whatever. Fuck 'em.

Now, we certainly were NOT about to take them home we set up shop on one of the counters in the post office, and started a'stampin'. and a'stampin'.

That is when I realized that at one of the other kiosk counter things, some guy and his 2 kids were eating lunch. And not a simple lunch...It was fried chicken, cole slaw, and those crappy little mini cobs of corn. So, you see, it was an involved lunch, with plates, and forks , and shit. All the trimmings.

Now when I was a kid, and on weekends visited my Father, we went to some pretty lame spots, and did some pretty boring shit,but we never mistook a post office for a public park.

And that got me thinking, as much as I thought this particular post office trip sucked,(which it truly did) it sucked even more for at least one o' them little boys. I thought briefly about kicking his ass, (using the "what the fuck is wrong with you?" opening gambit) but that REALLY would have fucked up the kid's-alread -fucked-up -lunch.

Who eats in a post office?? Ishould also mention, this post office is in the middle of nowhere, and nowhere near any restaurants, or fried chicken vendors (if there is still such a thing)

All in all, it was just as bad as we thought it would be. Maybe worse.

I am so happy it is Friday.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

She--Laughing and Weeping at Once--Said " Take Me Away"

Well, I Crowed a pretty mean Kay, but I still lost 2 outta 3...or was it 3 outta 3?

I don't want to say my Mom cheated in croquet, but she did.

She made me use the crappy yellow ball...and I think my mallet was cracked.
And I wasn't wearing croquet shoes...and the sun was in my eyes a little.
My shirt was too tight in the shoulders, and my shorts were too loose. I had JUST washed my hair, so it was unruly, and in my way. I was too worried about the reducing the carbon footprint we had created setting up the wire thingies.

I was a feeling can't think of any other excus---er reasons right now...

Oh yeah...she had the home field advantage. I had driven all that way, and was very tired.

I am thinking about asking for a performance enhancing drug test.

We are going in today for Easter dinner...and maybe a rematch.

Only thing standing between me and a sure victory... I have a mosquito bite on my knee...

Saturday, March 22, 2008

I Got Hair on My Chest--I Look Good Without a Shirt

Well, after getting lost 3 times (thanks Mapquest....RIGHT turn on FM1825...Not LEFT!!!!)

we found the tax place, and filed...

and somehow got a refund.

I was expecting to pay about $1300...but no..Uncle Sam (and Cousin New York) said this one's on money is no good here...In fact, have some of ours.


We watched "300" last night. It was Hilarious, though I don't reckon it was supposed to be.

Preparing for trip into Austin (the "Big City" to me now) which means getting clean...putting on clothes more significant than pajamas...rolling joints...all kind of a task today.

It is a bee-yoot-iful Texas Spring day. Not too hot, No IRS debt, just a lazy-feeling Saturday.

And that will soon be ruined, by the high pressure (low stakes) race that is Austin area highways.
Not to mention how narrow Austin's streets seem to me now.
Small town life has changed me.

And we are going to Houston soon, which makes Austin look like a village.

My Mom has bought a croquet set, and is wanting to Cro. She asked me if I had ever played before ( Yes, if whacking a ball around with a mallet=croquet. No, if attention was paid to rules, technique, decorum, those little wire thingies, et c). So I guess I have a Croquet game (match?) to play.

and I play to win.
Cutthroat Croquet.

It is most assuredly "ON".

And if you are thinking "does it make you feel like a big man to (maybe) beat your Mom at croquet?"

The answer is "Oui".

Friday, March 21, 2008

It's Not Like You Killed Someone

We are going to file our taxes today.

We just received a package (via courier...I have NEVER had a courier deliver anything..I thought that was a foregone occupation, like cobblering) from the lady who is doing our books (I could say "our accountant", but that just seems too fucking weird) and we are well armed with a tidy stack of paperwork.

In theory, we should be fine, and owe an affordable amount. Right?


I don't know why I feel so panicky about can't be THAT much.
It would be better if after you filed, there was a superfun waterslide that we could play on.

I have a figure in my mind of how much I think we owe.

Hope that Uncle Sam sees my vision.

Being a "grown up" sucks.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Look at Yourself--You Ain't No Genius

Fought an intense battle last night...

A Man Vs. Beard fight for survival. At first, it looked like the Beard might prevail, but in the end, ingenuity, and good ol' stick-to-itiveness paid off.
There were some laughs, tears, and a shitload of stray hairs in the sink. For a few minutes I looked like an extra in a barfight scene on "B.J. and the Bear", all muttonchopsy, with the big '70's pornstache. Like my name should be Ken "the Kenster" Weber.
However, in the end, the Beard was no match for the Remington Clip Deluxe800.
It was banished, to the outskirts of Sideburnsia

Instead of looking younger, I look diminished. My face looks so small to me now.
Like the joke about the guy walking on the beach, who finds the Genie lamp...

Have a big, ugly mailing project to do. Need to print 300 letters, (2 letters...a 1 pager and a 4 pager) and put them in a puffy envelope with a book. Ugly.

Let me just shill for Office Max...we ordered last night...they delivered it to us this morning, by 11 AM. We are converts. We used to be with Office Depot, but now, we are dating Office Max.

Good thing is, because they have the same first name, we will never blurt out the wrong name in our moments of passion.

I know, I know...I am a dork.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

This is Madness--This is Hopeless--My Perfect Little Habitat and I Still Don't Know Myself

Woke up early today, and very depressed for some reason.

Not even able to put a finger on it, just feel "Blah".

Shit, I haven't even done anything to earn depression. I must have dreamed about some past anxious moment, because as I smoking, and having my bath, all I could think about was how lucky I am. My family is largely intact, mostly healthy. My wife rocks. The only thing I could complain about (well...) is that I am getting older, faster. Fatter. Slower.

So, that settles it, it was a bad dream(that's my story, and I am sticking to it)

I think Wednesday was training, anticipating our clash. It sure seems confident.


Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Subdued and Repressed---A Son of the Vortex in Faceless Progress

I was right.

Yesterday did in fact, suck. Today too.

It rained HARD today. Hard enough that we went into the neighbors yard, and led their dog (a really pretty, skinny Black Lab) into our garage. She was soaked, and miserable. We already loved her through the fence, but now, we were free to consummate our love, sort of.

She stayed with us until about 5, then I took her back home, and removed the note we had left for her owner. So she (her name seems to be "Leon"-or at least her tag was named Leon. Somebody in this story is named fucking Leon! oops) had a nice little adventure that her parents don't know about.

And now, like the rain she is gone.

All we have left is a really stinky garage. Wet, dirty dog, and ashtray.
Love always leaves a smell, or a stain. Sometimes both.

Actually, hanging out with her, and feeling like she really appreciated us was (of course) nice.

It was all the OTHER stuff that sucked...the work...ok,--- just the work part of the day sucked. The Leon part was nice, although I am sure our cat would beg to differ.

Tomorrow had better look out. I am coming to kick it's lousy Wednesday ass.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

I Need You to Feel This--I Need This to Make Me Whole

Imagine it is the bottom of the ninth, you have 2 strikes, the ball is on the 42 yard line, you need a strike to win, ( a spare just gives you a tie) you have 5 personal fouls, 2 men in the penalty box, you are up against the ropes, the clock ticking down, you are in the rough, and out of gas.

That is how I feel right now.

The weekend is well over. I am now officially up too late.

I am calling the dentist tomorrow. No, seriously, I am.

I need to get this tooth pulled, and then set up appointments for all my other torture-er dental work.

Man, tomorrow already sucks.

Friday, March 14, 2008

And You're Branded with a Stigma---Unusable Dropout


The batteries died in my cordless keyboard, so I had to plug in my clunky old plug-in.

This keyboard sucks, it has some crazy carpal-tunnel-reverse angle to it, so you feel as though you were typing uphill, even with the little lifty tabs closed. I guess I am a flatlander.

It is in the 90's today. It feels great.

We finally broke down and had to put the AC on, we were both too sluggish to work without it.

Tired today...out of sorts. Must be all this sunshine.

I drove past 900 stores today, and forgot to get butter.
We were going to have fresh corn, but I can't (won't) eat it butter-free.

I am too lazy to type anymore today.
Go do something else.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

One Man--Sick and Evil---Thought to Kill---Kill with Weapons

Finished another huge project today...Salesdick e-mail sorting...

yes...I felt dirty doing it...but

I have already billed almost 30 hours this month , which means

math ... let's see, um carry the one and ....over 5 Billion Dollars!!!!! Jeepers.

I have been feeling fairly Blah! lately. Not sure why.

Just kind of a generic "who gives a fuck" feeling...that not so fresh feeling.

I am not even sure what I am malcontent about, but it is making everything sucky.

When I lived in Bflo. I always called these shitty periods my "At Risk" times, and blamed them on Bflo, and her lovely climate, and people. I mean, it HAS been cloudy and shitty for a few weeks here, but...
This is my first one since i left Bflo.I thought I had left this shit there. Maybe I am infected!

Oh well... the garage will help.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

So High--and then I Fell-

This morning almost really sucked...

I opened the document I had already worked on for hours (remember, 15 minutes is an eternity, online) only to find it was not saved.

This puzzled(infuriated) me, because I must have saved it 30 times...then I (well, R.) realized that had been working on the attached file she had sent, NOT a savable file.

Boy, is my face red.

Thank the world's one God for temp/file folders...and those clever guys who anticipated boneheads like me.

I bought some "Everlasting Gobstoppers" yesterday. Been 25 years since I had seen them last.
They are almost like health food...I read the ingredients, and they don't even have sugar in them.

Just Dextrose, corn syrup, maltodextrin, various acids, stearates , and carnauba wax( mmmm!)
and then Blue1, blue2 lake , red40 lake (my favorite) yellow5, yellow5lake, and yellow6.

all of that, with No Fat!

How does Willy Wonka do it...

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

First Time I Shot Her--I Shot Her in the Side--Hard to Watch Her Suffer--

With the second shot, she died. turns out that this was our Cotton anniversary, not Sponge.

I think next year it is Cork, followed by Banana Peel.

We went on a little shopping spree...I got a new bathrobe, and slippers, and shorts, and T-shirts.
R. got a nightgowny thing, some shirts, sandals, and my new bathrobe.

I REALLY wanted these sneakers with flames on them...but they were only in kids sizes.

Story of my life...

Playing Tag with Winos---the Only Way to Have Some Fun

Happy Anniversary to Us...

Not nearly as hot as it was in Durban the day we got married..not nearly hot actually. It is 46F...and in Durban the day we were married it was almost 46 celsius.

I love this time of day, especially on the days that we are closed...this is the time of day when optimism reigns ( maybe I will find that elusive bag of money I have been dreaming about)

I am going to wake my wife up now... and try and give her a nice tantrums, no rants.

OK...rants..but no tantrums.

I love you R... I hope you get to spend today with someone that YOU love, too.

Thanks for marrying me.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Ben Got Arrested and the Sky Was the Ocean that Day

So...big weekend. Saturday was R's first sewing class in South Austin, so I went and hung out with my folks while she was there.
My mom and I went for a (very long) walk around and through Zilker Park. My legs feel like I fell into a leg-punching machine (if there were really such an invention).

Every step I take feels like my shin muscles are tearing. And this was just from a walk.
Clearly, I need some steroids.

I guess it wasn't such a big weekend after all. It just feels that way, because I feel like I played Football, Hockey, Basketball, and Soccer...all weekend. And because yesterday was the day when we turn our clocks back (so dumb) so I spent all day feeling all jet-laggy.

Tomorrow is our 2 year anniversary, so we are closed. I think we are going to go buy something, but I am not really sure yet.

I am about to hobble downstairs, and take a painkiller. I can't get over how damn sore I am.
I guess that means announcing my eligibility for the NBA, NFL, NHL and MLB draft might have to be postponed.

Wait til next year...

Friday, March 7, 2008

Leave Me Demons---Did I Want You

R. had a problem with a website host, and received the following e-mail:


Thank you for contacting us.

We apologize for the incontinence this had caused you.

Honestly, it wasn't THAT big of a problem.

Hot Needles in My Eyes--I'm Lucky to be Alive

Nightmarishly slow day...not slow because there is no work, but slow because I am waiting for e-mails to come in.
I know they are coming, because I sent them, so they are floating around out there, and blocking me from doing work. Sucks.


I saw, as I logging in an ad for S.X.S.W.
Hard to get excited about that the early '90's I was living in Austin, and have a foggy memory of seeing Johnny Cash do a few songs in EMO's....

I drank Guiness then. Lots of it.

Hard to top that... I have never heard of most of the acts I have seen plugged so far, and ZERO desire to see the ones I have.

Ooh, and the joy of walking down 6th street with a million of my closest enemies.

I believe I am going to take El Paso on S.X.S.W.



Thursday, March 6, 2008

Frantic Minds are Terrified---Life Lies in a Grave

And then the rain came...

It has been raining (biblically) since about 10 AM. It is now 37 degrees outside.
I guess I am more of a "Texan" than I thought, because I am freezing my ass off.

I was in shorts yesterday, and now, thirtyfuckingseven degrees.

The drainage yard next to my (our) house has become a lake. Well, a pond... OK, a really big puddle, that is teeming with dirty birds.

So, Let's go, Texas...warm it up, Play Ball, let the Horns be hooked, and the Aggies gigged, and more importantly, I can quit wearing "Buffalo clothes".


When You Don't Pander to Meet the Agenda--Scavengers Start to Gather

Do you smell that?

The sweet smell of completion.

It turns out I DID have all of the info I needed, so I am finished with that (damned) project.

9 days early...4 days before I thought I would be done.

I feel like one of those "good" kids, who actually started a project when it was assigned.

My technique was always start at the last possible minute, usually at about 8:00 PM the night before it was due.

Admittedly, this strategy is not for everyone, (it used to drive my Mom bonkers) but the enforced deadline (never) worked for me.

Kind of a shame though, the grand total of pages was only 33. I would have bet it was at least 700.

It is still the biggest document I have ever produced, by about 29 pages.

It is a fascinating man-against-nature-fight-for-survival, with a romantic twist. It is the "Ulysses" of third party medical billing. Coming soon, to a theatre near you.

It is an epic, in 5 columns... hours, and of course, pro bono hours.
The struggles of all 490 characters play out, in a drama unseen since "Gone With the Wind".

You'll laugh, you'll cry, but at all costs, do not miss "Third party medical billing.doc".
If you do, you'll wish you hadn't.

Friends, Criminals, Slaves, Blasphemers--

I am feeling like a (work-related) bad-ass today.

Less so in the time it took to type that..I thought I was right at the end of a huge project, but I forgot that I have not yet received all of the info I need to input.

Well, I am still going to finish the project is due on the 15th, but I have been trying to finish by the 10th.
I should be finished tomorrow.

The rain has moved back in...a gloomy day in the 40's. Lamps are on at 11:05 AM.

Small world story #10,681 : I played poker with a Co-Round Rockee. He/She is a huge Express fan, and could not figure out why I am not, yet.

I tried to 'splain that I just moved here last August, man, and I already HAVE a team. It is hard to transfer loyalty that took a lifetime to (fester) develop. I will go to games, but it will be a few minutes before I am a "fan" of more than just the game.

I don't think He/She understood. Texans seem to be willing to root for anything Texan. I am not yet a Texan.
I am trying, though.


it just doesn't feel right, yet.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

I Got a Letter from the Government---the Other Day, I Opened and Read it --It Said they Were Suckers

I did get a letter from my father. He was cross, but maybe desperate enough for contact that he can (finally) self edit. He called me lazy...yes, laziness is why it had been [another] 7 years of us not talking. It had nothing to do with him being a jackass, and me being fed up. But , that is OK, whatever gets you through the night, Princess.
I am actually glad that we can (sort of) be like normal people, and at least write, if not talk on the phone. I do miss the talks we used to have...

Granted, the letter was about baseball, KSU basketball, and weather, so not very hard hitting stuff...but my opening salvo to him was no better ( I mentioned that we moved, I quit being a cook/chef/whatever, and how 'bout that local sports franchise).

Need to make a dental appointment, only I am shit-scared, and not sure I am ready to part with yet another toof...

Not really looking forward to tomorrow, as we have tons to do for work, and we need to go to the grocery store, unless we have cereal, and peanut butter for dinner. Which, for the record, would not be the first time for me...

I Need Someone to Show Me the Things in Life That I Can't Find

In 6 days, we will be celebrating our 2nd anniversary ( I think that is the Sponge anniversary---first year Paper, 2nd year Sponge, 3rd year Felt et c.)

2 years...that is a pretty long time. So 2 years ago TODAY, I was climbing my sorry, scared ass onto an airplane that was taking me to a whole nuther world...South Africa.
My (sort of) friend even said at the time " Wow, South Africa is in a totally different atmosphere"

To give you an idea of the magnitude of that trip, I had never been off of North America. I had been to California a few times, that was the farthest away from "home" (formerly Buffalo) I had ever been. At that time, I lived in Phoenix, so going to Cali. really wasn't a big deal, but felt like it to me.

So, when I got to my "halfway point" which was Dakar, Senegal, I really had to wonder exactly where the fuck am I going? How much further can this possibly be? Am I really getting married in a few days? and Do I have any more of those pills? what is that smell?? probably in that order.

God, that seems like a lifetime ago. We had to wait 3 months for R's visa to come through, which sucked, obviously, but abstinence does make the heart grow fonder. And look at us longer newlyweds, but not yet hating each other... right now we are in the "gathering evidence" stage in our relationship, somewhere in between.

It is nice.

Monday, March 3, 2008

Bullet Seek a Place to Bend you Over---

Ok, we had a hugely productive day...we billed for , like, 800 hours, mang.

Or it was just 7, that felt like 800 ( the first hour, just felt like an hour, the second hour felt like 5 hours, the third day, you went to your mother's, so it just felt like a day)

I get The New Yorker (your fuckin' A right I do...well my mom subscribes, and gives them to me when she is finished) which is a classyish magazine...which is why this type of shit goes on.

I am going to answer "The Mail" from the Feb. 25,2008 issue.
Someone needs to...

Ok, the first one comes from Michael, who lives (unbelievably) in New York City (toughest city in the world my ASS).

Dear Michael

Thank you for your openly anal letter. Note that as the sun's angle of long axis elevates along it's concourse upwards of 105 degrees, you really seem like a massive douchebag.
I would theorize that as the sun, or moon or fucking Venus sets, rises, ebbs or wanes, that you will always seem as such.
I would have "beat your ass" [sic] in school.



The second one comes from a cute little apple from Washington State named Ann...

Annie, baby,

You seem pretty hot...
Just be careful that you don't go too long without having sex, with a man.
You girls get all crazy when you don't.



And last, and least is another New Yawker, Robert.


Blah blah de fuckin' blah.

Keep reaching for that rainbow.


I just had to address this...3 pompous douchebags... setting the bar really high for future douchebags. Way to go. I feel better...and that is all that really matters to me.

Saturday, March 1, 2008

I See So Much---It Burns My Eyes

This is Bechau...he is... unique.


I said ENJOY!!

You are welcome.

Try to remember life as you knew it before you saw Him.


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